Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thoughts on Grace

I've grown up a lot in the past three years. Which is to be expected. I was 21 and now I'm 24. We could only hope I'd grow at least a little I guess. But I think my understanding of Grace has had a lot to do with it.

For a long time, I've known academically and intellectually what Grace is, but it was only after becoming a Christian that I knew of Grace in the sense that my knowledge of it and experience of it collided into something that was very personal. But lately, I've seen in my own life how little I understand it even now. I mean, I've grown leaps and bounds in Grace. I'll never forget the time Jake Peterman and I were talking about a guy who we felt deserved the wrath of God and Divine justice (who doesn't right?) and I said, "We just gotta show him a little grace."

We were walking on campus when I said that and Jake just stopped. He was in shock that he was hearing those words from my mouth. I was too, I suppose. But that's what happens when you're being transformed. You start to become unrecognizable when compared to the person you were before Christ.

But, somewhere along the road, I've become numb to Grace. I've once again become so Truth heavy that I've forgotten Grace. I'm a little Grace retarded. I don't say that to be funny. It's pretty serious, actually. When you find yourself thinking that God loves some future version of you rather than understanding the fact that God, because of Grace, loves you right now, right where you are...even though you're a jacked up, messed up, screw up. Grace is Grace because you can't do anything to alter your position. Grace is unmerited.

Lately, I've found myself thinking thoughts about how God will be pleased and love me more when I reach certain spiritual goals and levels. It's so weird to operate in a way that mentally, intellectually, and academically you know is just absolutely crazy. It's actually quite insane. it's like driving on the left side of the road while muttering, "Drive on the right dummy, driving on the left is crazy, driving on the left is wrong, driving on the left ends badly, driving on the left is a terrible idea."

But...that's where I've been lately. I've been in this ridiculous cycle of "let me clean up my act and then God will be approachable again. Lemme fix myself so I can go back to Jesus and hangout again." How dumb is that? Yeah, I's pretty dumb in light of Grace. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware of Romans 6. But if I try to run from God until I can get myself clean first, I'll be running forever--because it will never happen.

Grace it what allows me to approach God and cry out, "Look I really suck at this whole life thing and if you don't do something in me, I'm never going to be able to make it. You've told me to pick up my cross and follow you, but if my heart doesn't continue to be transformed by you, I'm never going to hold up under the weight of discipleship and sanctification."

Oh God, thank you for Grace. Thank you that it's free and unmerited. That you that Grace means I'm yours right now. Thank you that you don't just love some version of me that's 20 years away. Thank you that you love me right now.

It's because of Grace that I'm confident that God will continue to show me and remind of His Grace throughout my journey. I'm quite sure this won't be the last season of life in which I'll find myself not walking in light of Grace...because I am so prone to wander and discard my understanding of Grace. What a tragedy it is to lose sight of such a beautiful thing like Grace.


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